With Veterans day approaching, I am faced with my growing son's emotions. He doesn't know his father, and never has. When he was born his father was on tour in Afghanistan and the short R&R he was able to get only lasted a week for the birth and that was the last time I saw him, as him.
I have to explain to my son that his father is alive, but cannot visit. I tried, God knows I tried. The PTSD has taken so much from his mentality though, he cant even dress himself.
I was nervous bringing my son to that park to see his dad for what was to him, the first time. I was told he wasn't well, but he was well enough. They were wrong.
I watched my son glow in excitement. FINALLY, I can see my daddy. But when the car pulled up and this man who was staggering, smoking, had an overgrown beard, and wearing nearly half a pair of shoes came out, I instantly regretted my decision.
I prayed desperately in my head that my son wouldn't recognize him from the pictures, but it was too late. He was scared. All of his hopes and dreams were crushed. This man looked like his father but was terrifying to be near.
This sudden shock. What was I suppose to do? How was I going to fix this?
The truth of the matter is, I cant.
Losing my ex-husband to PTSD is almost harder than if he passed away. Watching this man I once vowed my hand in marriage walk around twitching his eyes and having full blown conversations with himself is torture. I could see my once husband underneath. I could see the embarrassment he had. I could see the hatred for his life and his sufferings being unbearable.
This is deeper than any scar, wound, or brokenness. This man is fighting a war in his head
every. single. day. Hes found walking aimlessly in the streets in the middle of the night scared, shaking, and desperate. In all honesty, I don't even think he is capable of going to the bathroom by himself?
When I show tribute to my fellow troops, I don't forget about the ones we lost to this mental war and I don't forget to honor a little four year old boy who has watched his father pay the ultimate price.
Thank you for your service, Jeret. I wish you didn't have to fight this fight!